Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Facing My Demons to Love This Angel

Gavin was born in June 2010. I desperately wanted to have him naturally since Darby was delivered by c-section but after 41 weeks and 100 degree south Georgia heat, it was time and there was nothing I could do about it. I loved that little person with an appreciation unexplainable. He was an Angel, my saving Grace and lifesaver.
Flashback 1 year prior.After the custody battle of Darby with Henry - I couldn't seem to pick up the pieces. My back hurt, my chest felt like there was an elephant standing on me. I had spent nearly $40,000 to attorneys, guardian ad lit em, court recorders, custody evaluators and mediation. On the day of court, all of the professionals put me in a room and for 2 solid hours talked me into settling. After 2 years of misery - I thought settling might put an end to it. The schedule we agreed to was so hectic and nearly impossible for me to follow. It seemed I ran more now than when I had Darby full time. What was she doing at school, was her father feeding her correctly,,,,Why is he introducing all of his girlfriends to her? Constant worry and wishing I hadn't settled.
Now I know what I'm about to tell you is horrible, shameful and honestly its hard for me to repeat. I was taking anti-depressant and anti anxiety meds already. One day I went to my Dad and ask him if he had any pain meds for my back. He gave me what he said was a Tylenol 3 but within 30 minutes I knew it was not Tylenol 3. I felt great but I had to wait it off to drive home. Nothing hurt...nothing at all. Daddy came over for a visit one day and give me the rest of his pills - now known as percocet. I didn't think much of it. I had never been addicted to anything. I wasn't real up to speed with what percocet was so I took maybe 1 a day, then 2, the 3 and within 4 months I was taking 10-15 a day. I went to the doctor and got a prescription and when it ran out I got more from Dad or from a friend. I knew I had a problem but didn't know what to do .....plus I was so numb I loved it.
By the time I found out I was pregnant - i was a full blown addict. I was mortified. Now I had this little person inside of me and I had to protect it. I went to a doctor that specializes in a treatment called suboxone. Basically you take 1 to 2 pills a day and taper off from there. When Gavin was born and I looked into his beautiful eyes, I realized I never wanted to be addicted to anything again!
Source: Blogger

Facing the truth

Until it came time for me to stop taking the pills, I had no idea I was so addicted. Once I found out I was pregnant, I attempted to stop cold turkey. After a day of the worst sickness I have ever felt, I looked up withdrawals from opiates on the Internet. I was more than scared when I read "stopping cold turkey may make you miscarry". What was I going to do. I couldn't tell my husband who put me down for everything under the sun. I had been to 6 counselors trying to deal with the depression and they didn't have a solution. I have never been so ashamed in my life.
I stayed on the suboxene program until Gavin was born but because he was delivered by c-section, I had to go back on pain meds. Within 2 months I was back on the suboxene program.
Now because of the constant attacks and lying - I knew I couldn't trust Brett, however, in order to stay off the pills, I broke down and told him the truth. I felt relieved but not for long. From that day on, no matter what mood I was in, Brett would accuse me of being on pills .Instead he called my ex husband and told him, told all our friends and family and I was humiliated. He say things like " your such a drug addict", " go pill out out or whatever you do", " you can't possibly be any sorrier than you already are". Now Brett had always talked to me like this but I was so hoping that he would be proud of me and support me. After All he is a drunk who consumes a fifth of vodka, fifth of whiskey and pint of jagermeister every week. The doctor said his liver was shutting down but he didn't care. Only I was the addict.
Coming off the Suboxene wasnt hard. It took 7 months after the birth of my son. I was proud of myself....Surely Brett would think more of me and love me again. Nope. Not a day went by that he didnt refer to me as a druggie. One night I found him doing unimaginable things with our dog. I know its sounds awful, imagine what it was like to witness it. So, I began sleeping on the couch. After a hugh argument one night, Brett locked me out of the bedroom. He had been so hateful to me because I discovered his skeletons in the closet. I kicked him out for good. You'd think I would be completely done with the mean creep but I had known him all my life and I could not seem to shake missing him. Brett filed for divorce. He had kept every email and text I'd ever written him admitting my guilt and asking for help. He kept every email I had sent for 3 years. He sent them all to Henry and together, they made a plan to take me down.
I moved a girl in that I had worked with for 7 years named Lynette. She had a son age 6. The same day I kicked Brett out, Lynette's husband kicked her out and took her car and wouldn't let her get her clothes. I had access to another car so I let Lynette and her son use my car. Within 3 weeks of her moving in, I was served with emergency custody hearing papers because Henry, yes my first husband, had a private investigator following my van that I wasnt driving for a week.
Turns out Lynette had a little problem with meth amphetamines and was caught at some well know drug houses and doing some questionable behavior. Personally, I think she fell off the deep end because her husband was also working with my first husband Henry and second husband Brett. What a tangled web we weave. Now I have known Lynette for many years. I never pictured her being on meth. We shared a few pills back in the day but she was a good friend to me and it was hard for me to turn my back on her. In the emergency hearing, my children were taken because Lynette was living with me. By the court date - I had kicked her out and changed the locks. The private investigators did not have one bit of evidence of where I was or what I was doing.
Now this whole time - I thought I had to prove I wasn't on pain pills so I was taking weekly drug test while Lynette ran the streets. I provided 8 straight clean drug screens to the guardian ad lit em and my attorney. I continue to talk and text Lynnette but I really didn't see the harm. I am 34 years old. I can make decisions not to do drugs because my friend is doing them. The guardian ad lit em had the authority to make me take drug test but did not do so.
I had to turn in my phone records for discovery for the final divorce and custody hearing with Brett. The guardian counted every single call and text I made to Lynette and put it in his report. He stated that he thought I was on something at my deposition (I had the flu), he reported that he thought I was on something at my fathers funeral and he wasn't there. He reported that I only turned in 3 drug test and did not correct it. Worst of all he never looked into my allegations of abuse or Brett's alcoholism. On court day, the judge made a snap decision that because I refused to quit talking to Lynette, that my abusive, pathological lying husband should have custody.
I have not yet been to court with Henry for that outcome. I have appealed the custody with Brett. I feel like because they have money to fight this thing, that Im the odd gal out. I feel like I will never beat our local judicial system.
I would love some advice from readers. Who do you go to when a decision is made by a judge based on assumption and not facts? What other legal actions can I take with out making me file bankruptcy. I am completely broke and jobless and in desperate need of help!.

1 comment:

  1. Kenna, WOW have you been going through some tough times. I feel so bad for you that you are going through this, but I am very proud of you for getting off the drugs. I really can't give any legal advise to you because I have no knowledge on that. I hope someone that reads this will be able to help you out some way. Stay strong and keep believing in yourself.

    Keep in touch !
    God Bless you !