Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Just Let Me Make It Today

Just Let Me Make it Today!

"Just take the bottle of pills Kenna. There is no way you can beat this thing. If you end it, your debts are paid, your battle is over, you wont have this overwhelming feeling of hurt from missing your children, and you wont have to cry anymore. Everyone will move on eventually and deal with it"......But I'll be leaving my kids behind. Lord help me make it through this day.
Im 34 and I use to be the last person on earth who would have ever thought these horrible thoughts of suicide. And let me be clear, Im too chicken to pull the trigger and this is not what my story is about. My story is long and depressing dealing with custody and in this journey of blogging, I pray I will make it another day with the support of people who may relate.
My two children, a daughter age 9 - Darby and a son 21 months - Gavin are currently living with their fathers due to a nasty divorce and custody WAR. I am now in the middle of my 3rd custody battle based on false allegations. Both children have different fathers. I suppose I should give a little background however, this story can not be completed in a day.
My first husband, Henry, was a millionare and he was so in love with me. He chased me for years. By the time I was about 24 years old I thought "you know Kenna....hes a really nice guy and he'll take care of you. Just give the boy a chance". I hated his name; Henry.... HDog, Henny, nothing good about it. He was strange, non social, akward I guess but not the serial killer sort. I didn't really get a chance to figure out if I truly loved him because I got pregnant with my first child. I figured, God must think I should be with this guy. Afterall aren't children gifts from God and I so wanted a baby. I had job, bachelors degree..natural progression of life.
Henry and I married with 6 months of getting pregnant. His family hated me. I was the cute girl from wrong side of the tracks if you catch my drift. Now I wasn't raised poor by no means.....my family just didnt have millions of dollars, owned their own business or inherit a large trust fund. My family and I were honest hard working people. My super hero mom was a secretary and my dad, beautiful dad, was retired military and worked civilian work until he became disabled.
Week 15 of pregnancy, Henry and I had gotten news that the triple screen test had come back positive for spina bifida. Now all you moms that have been put through this....you know where the doctors office calls and gives you sickening news and tells you "well we can get you in in two weeks to do a sonogram". It was the longest 2 weeks and I cried everyday. Turns out my daughter had a small hernia in which her intestines grew on the out side of her body. Its called Gastroschesis and Moms ..... its not the end of the world when you get that diagnosis. I quit my job and went on bed rest and assumed I would be a stay at home mom for the rest of my childs life.
Darby was born in March of 2003, 4 weeks early and other than needing immediate surgery, completely healty. She spent 21 days in the neo natal intensive care. Altough I was happy, I think I was more scared than I'd ever been in my life. Nobody prepares new moms for post partum depression and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This started my use of anti depressants. How could this happen? "Im Kenna Kane - I can do anything, this shouldnt be so hard....what the hell is wrong with you?"
Within 6 months of Darbys birth, Henry left because I had become a complete bitch and because I mentioned that I had dabbled in drugs when I was 20 and 21 years old. Holy poop, he never let me live it down. But as a person that believes in the legalization of pot, our opinions clashed and I dont think I ever loved him. I cared for him and hoped a love would grow but I was only 26 years old and I didn't want to waste his time or mine so I filed for divorce. I got custody of Darby, child support and within a few months was working in real estate again. Henrys mom, Cruella (for the hell of it), kept Darby for me to work. Little did I know, this was biggest mistake I would ever make. She started coaching my daughter to say I hit her with sticks while she played with her dolls. I didnt find out for quite some time. I had remarried, bought my first house and thought everything was fine.
This story is so unbelieveable - I would lose your interest if I blogged it all today. In the end I need guidance and help and will offer information on how to select an attorney if you find yourself in custody crisis. I will share with you the very dissappointing problems with the legal system and hopefully provide comfort because it is a God awful process. Please follow me and let me know your opinions.

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